On Saturday, I’m going to a music festival near Edinburgh. A Christian music festival no less, called Frenzy.
I’ve been to Glastonbury and T in the Park before, but never to a Christian one. The thought of it would normally make me cringe, but I’ve been assured that Frenzy is very good and there’s a pile of folk from both my old and new churches going.
So at the very least it will be nice to catch up with people and broaden my experiences – and you never know, I might even surprise myself and have fun!
However, should it prove in any way dull, cheesy or generally sub-fun, I’ve decided – with your help – to come up with 101 Things To Do at a Christian Music Festival. And if I don’t get to try any of them out, I’ll just give them a go in church on Sunday instead.
Here’s some for starters…
- Pretend to be a Mormon.
- Shout “Get behind me, Satan!!” at random strangers.
- Hand out leaflets trying to poach people to your denomination. Offer sweets if necessary.
- Ask random people if they want to buy some hard drugs.
- Ask random people if they want to sell some hard drugs.
- Hold up big banners during sets condemning live music as the devil’s work.
- Heckle bands with in-depth theological questions from the Old Testament.
- Set up a lottery ticket stall.
- Open a free bar.
- Take a guitar, and wander around singing “Imagine” by John Lennon.
- Walk around with a bottle of water offering to baptise people.
- Complain to the stewards that you haven’t felt the power of the Holy Spirit, and you want your money back.
- Hold up hymn board numbers at the end of each song a band does, giving ratings up to 6.0.
Please do add your own ideas and continue the list! Let’s see if we can get to 101…
14. Walk around in a Grim Reaper costume looking at all the smokers.
15. Hand out condoms.
16. Offer to break bread and point at someone’s hot dog bun.
17. Wear your old Hell’s Angels jacket.
18. “Senator, I served with the Pope, I knew the Pope, the Pope was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Pope.” 🙂
19. Go up to random strangers of the same gender you are and remind them that they need to go get tested since you’ve gotten that rash recently.
20. Do the monk walk from the Monty Python movie.
21. Jump up on the stage and fire random gunshots into the crowd
22. Find the words "allah is great" written in the seeds of a Kiwi fruit
23. Cut your hair into a mohawk then style it into 40cm spikes, get some piercings (incl. huge ear tunnels and lip rings), wear some black nail polish teamed with wacky clothes so that all the try hard teen punk girls swarm all around you in the hopes that some of your coolness will rub off on them.
24. Sit cross-legged in a circle with your mates, and chant, 'Om'.
25. Have 666 shaved on your head/tattooed on your chest/emblazoned on a t-shirt (the last is obviously for the less radical).
26. Sing 'Firestarter', with all the Keith actions. Get others to join in.
27. Alternatively, sing Kum-By-A with as much sincerity as you can muster. Watch as a big empty circle develops around you.
28. If the toilets are pits with a bit of wood to sit on (a la Greenbelt 1980), write on the wall, 'Are you a born again Christian? If not you are going to a pit worse than this one!'
Thanks for the great ideas, folks! Loving them!
29. Stop people as they pass by and ask them to say “Gouranga“.
30. Complain to the authorities that you’re a sabbatarian Adventist and find the event’s timing offensive.
31. Meet the girl of your dreams and make a complete arse of yourself over her
until her fiance has to have a wee guiet word with you about it.
32. Drink a can of lager then a can of cider then realise that you are in fact Batman
and that the group on stage are the Joker and his henchmen
who have imprisoned Robin the boy wonder in their bass drum
obviously you will have to rescue Robin.
33. Distribute leaflets on the subject of : ‘Masturbation and Hell’
34. Give out free samples of Buckfast – “by Christians, for Christians”
35. Hand out fliers for your goth-style Hallowe’en party.
36. Tell people that “Jesus loves you – but I’m his favourite”.
37. Have a gimmicky item of colthing or accessory that you wear for the entire length of the festival. When people look back on the festival they’ll fondly remember that wacky guy/girl with the giant Dr Seuss hat or the homemade fluffy purple and flurescent green baggy pants. (the bonus with this is that your photo is more likely to be included on the flyers and posters for next year’s event because you stand out from the crowd).
38. Given that Christian’s have been holding up “John 3:16” banners at large secular events for years make a banner with “Paddinton 2:15 (delayed)” on it.
39. Or “Golf Sale”
40. Tell people that God says he was kidding about hell. Tell them to read Hezekiah 4:9-11
41. Hand out flyers saying “10% off tickets for Jerry Springer: The Opera with every purchase of The Da Vinci Code.”
42. Set up your own rival Christian music festival, and put out lots of advertising explaining why yours will be better.
43. Repeat 34
44. Spend all your pocket money on “Official” holy merchandise which you can use as an “Evangelistic” tool when you return to the real world.
45. Attend the “Why Glastonbury is evil and why Greenbelt kills your soul” optional (although a register will be taken) seminar.
46. Repeat 43
47 Humiliate yourself in front of your youth leader (see 34).
48. Wear as many W.W.J.D and F.R.O.G wristbands as you possibly can (without cutting off circulation to your fingers) because then you’ll look like a truly-ruly, super spiro Christian.
49. Wear a T shirt with these words printed on it :
‘Seeking Christian Girlfriend’
Then if a girl approaches you –
1.Say thanks but I’m not that desperate.
2.March her frantically through the crowd looking for your Mum
to find out what she thinks of her.
3.Shout hallelujah until she wanders off
and the next time you see her she’s with her biggest pals
4.tell her you’ll be back next year if by that time she could lose/gain a few pounds.
5.Smile cunningly as you tell her you make a lovely breakfast then wink at her.
6.Ask her if she would consider – breast enlargement/liposuction/rhinoplasty.
7.Tell her you only wore the t shirt for a bet
but your friend whose being sick behind the van might be interested.
8.Burst into tears and tell her it’s pointless
because you’ll never get over Doris who broke your heart.
9.Make a date with her but tell her you always go dutch
and ask her to bring her C.V.
10.Take her mobile number and tell her you’ll let her know later
as you’re expecting a lot of interest and you’re looking for more in a girlfriend
than just having good taste in men.
50.Carry a microphone and interview people for the God Channel
51. Run about saying “guys, while we’ve been here I think the rapture just happened. Have you seen my pastor?
52. Stand right in front of someone, stinking of booze, and hold up your camera phone to record the performance
53. Turn round and glower at the person whose view you are obscuring, and mutter something about “it’s a concert”
54. Swear like the picnickers in Father Ted, telling people to Fup off, you fupping baxtards.
55. Walk around looking wise and holding your hands out in a frozen “please stand” position
56. Do the buckfast one again
57.Start conversing with someone, and half-way through answer you’re mobile, saying “sorry, I’ve got to take this. I think it’s God”.
58. Imitate someone who is dancing
59. Carry a guitar and ask people if they have a spare plectrum because you’re “on in a minute”
60. Hand out fliers that say “this entitles you to one free CD of your choice from the Wesley Owen stall”
61. Invite people to join a conga, then shout at them for doing it wrong
62. On being asked ‘How is it going?’ reply, ‘It’s okay, but it’s just not Woodstock, is it? Were you there?’ or ‘It’s okay, but I can’t find anyone to share the gospel with…where are all the pagans?’
63. Collect rubbish and generally tidy up all that mess lying about as an act of Christian service to your fellow revellers.
64. Offer to wash feet (as an act of Christian service…)
65. Complain that the music is just a little too loud.
66. Wonder about how on earth you were talked in to going at all.
67. On realising that you went because you are seeking a girlfriend, return to 49, but amend 49.1 to ‘Say thanks, get down on one knee, and propose’
68. Stage dive
69. Stand at the front and put your all into playing air guitar
for much much longer than it is funny.
When people start to move away from you turn around and play for them
as though they’re moving back to give you room because you’re so good.
70. Wear a Cradle of Filth t-shirt …
71. … while carrying a Ghetto Blaster playing Slayer’s “Angel of Death” (from the album Reign in Blood, 1986) turned up to 11.
72. Pretend that you have Christian Tourettes, like an American TV Evangelist: “… PRAISETHELORD!! … JESUS!!”
73. Shout “Grendel” at the end of EVERY song played.
74. If you meet a nice Christian girl to whom you are attracted say, “You look like the kind of girl that might have a number of scrumptious recipes for quiche, hang on a minute I’ll get my Mum and see if she likes you…”
75. Dance naked, and if anyone objects just say “If it was good enough for King David, then it’s good enough for me!”
76. Don’t shave for a week before the festival, then dress in a home-made toga (a white bedsheet will do) and run around the venue shouting “I think I’m Jesus … can I heal you?”
77. Jostle your way to the front of the stage and spit on all the bands, 1970s Punk-style.
78.
Print out this list and give it to people, asking them to finish it…