My new(-ish) mobile phone, which I got a few months ago, scares me sometimes. It can do things I don’t understand, and has numerous buttons and options I am rather scared to try out in case it wipes out the NHS or launches Trident nuclear missiles. And the internet on a phone!? Whatever next…

Anyway, I was idly going through some of the sounds, alarms and ringtones on my phone a while back, and came across a message recorded by someone saying “wake up, time to get up Simon, GET UP NOW!” and so on, in a female Glaswegian accent.

I have no idea who this is. I do have the vaguest of vague, vague memories of someone doing something like that on my phone, but I can’t remember who, when or why.

I’ve asked as many female friends down here in Weegieland as I can think of if they did it. As you can imagine I got some strange reactions, but as yet nobody’s owned up.

I’ve started using it as my alarm clock, in the hope that it will come to me in a flash of early-morning inspiration. I’ll let you know if I solve the mystery, but of course any help is welcome…