A man walks into a bar…

I know I should write some sort of sublime, thought-provoking and intellectual blog this evening (well, it would make a change if nothing else), but at the end of a busy week I frankly don’t have the oomph.

And nothing interesting has happened this last couple of days, apart from a very pretty drive to Skye and a long journey to Dundee.

So instead, let me tell you a great joke I heard the other day:

A cosine wave walks into a bar, and orders a pint. The barman says “sorry, we don’t cater for functions.”

And in case you think I am going to head off into the inaccessible cul-de-sac of maths jokes, let me instead tell you what is probably my favourite bar joke:

Descartes walks into his local pub. The barman looks up and says “Ah, good evening Rene, will it be the usual tonight?” Descartes pauses for a moment. “Er, no”, he says, “I think not.” And he disappears.

Let’s have your bar jokes, to lighten the mood this weekend.

14 thoughts on “A man walks into a bar…

  1. I prefer traditional jokes with anti-punchlines. That’s a joke that ends in the most unsatisfying way possible. Strangely, they make me laugh.

    A man walks into a bar…
    barman: what’ll you have?
    man: I’ll have a pint of vodka.
    barman: sorry we don’t do vodka in pints.
    man: in that case I’ll just have a beer.
    barman: coming right up.

    a man walks into a bar…
    barman: “Hi Jack!”
    man: “Excuse me? my name is Andrew”
    barman: “ah. Sorry, I mistook you for Jack”
    man: “that’s OK”.

    a horse walks into a bar…
    barman: “what the hell?”

    a nun walks into a bar…
    barman: “hello sister, what’ll you have?”
    nun: “actually, would it be ok if I just used the toilets?”
    barman: “certainly. They’re over there”
    nun: “just through that door?”
    barman: “yes”

  2. when is a car like a frog?
    when it’s being towed

    The world is a sadder place since they stopped putting jokes on ice lolly sticks…

  3. A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and asks for “a pint of larger and a packet of crisps NOW!”

    The barman, a little scared, quickly hands him the drink and ready salted Walkers.

    A few minutes later, the black tarmac comes up to the bar and again threateningly asks the barman for “a pint of larger and a packet of crisps” which the nervous publican quickly fetches. This happens a third time and sees the black tarmac return to his table.

    Suddenly with a clatter through the front door comes a piece of red tarmac who also rather menacingly asks the barman for a drink and a snack. The red tarmac then takes a seat by the pool table.

    A few minutes latter the barman rather hesitantly goes to the seat where the piece of black tarmac was drinking to clear away the glasses. Surprisingly he sees the black tarmac shacking under the table and asks “Why are you hiding down there – I thought you were hard? Are you afraid of the red tarmac?”

    To this the black tarmac replies: “I am hard, but he’s a cycle path!”

    Get it? I hope so ‘cause this took me ages to write! Really like the blog Simon.

  4. An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three whiskey shots. The bartender lines up the three shots and the man drinks them. The next day the same Irishman comes back and again orders the three shots.

    This goes on day after day and the bartender finally says: “You know I can put all three of those into a single glass for you”. The man says “No I like the three glasses. You see my brothers are overseas and I’ve not seen them in a long time. This way, this shot here is for Fergus, this one is for Finnius and this one here is for me — its like we are together once again”.

    This continues for weeks until one day the Irishman comes in and says “I would like two shots please”. The bartender, softly and in a surprised and concerned tone says “what happened, something happened..” and the Irishman says “Oh, no, no no, my brothers, they are fine, no worries — I just decided to quit drinking”.

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