Glasgow is in something of a heatwave, which as you may know is not my favourite sort of weather. It was good to be back in church tonight, although it was oppressively hot in the building, and I think I irritated everyone sitting near me by generating quite a breeze when I kept wafting my pink paper (that’s the intimation sheet, just to clarify) in my face in an attempt to cool down.
While sweating my way through David‘s excellent sermon on Romans 8, and when I should have been focussing on Jesus, the heat got me thinking. What can we do in church when it gets too hot? There must be plenty of things.
101 things, in fact…
- Ask to get baptised in order to cool off.
- Post a sign outside saying “Welcome to Hell”
- …or one saying “You think it’s hot in here?”
- If it’s communion, ask for your wine with ice.
- Count the understains among the congregation. Especially if it’s a charismatic church.
- Announce that you’ll only give to the offering if there’s ice creams given out in return.
- Convert to Catholicism so you can justify throwing holy water over the congregation to cool them down.
- Sing loud enough to lift the roof. Literally.
- Mould the intimation sheet into an attractive Japanes-style fan. If you have a pen, decorate it. Ask your neighbours to mark it out of ten.
- Tear up your Bible and do a test to find out which book makes the most effective fan.