101 Things To Do When The Bishop Visits Church

As our minister, David, reports, this Sunday is a big day for St Silas – we will enjoy the company of not one but two bishops, for a very special service of baptisms and confirmations. David has asked us all to “behave”.

So of course the natural thing to do is think of 101 things to do when the bishop visits church. You know the routine, join in with your own suggestions!

  1. Sit at the back with a sign saying “the only good bishop is a Harold Bishop”
  2. Use a catapult and ammo to try to dislodge the bishop’s tall hat thing. Extra points if you can also f’ting! the communion silver.
  3. Loudly and excitedly whisper “look, it’s the Pope!” at the start of the service.
  4. Grill the bishop afterwards about his views on the Windsor Report: should the Royal Family really have a second home in the country?
  5. Go up to the bishop afterwards and say “nice walking stick. How long will you be using it for?”
  6. Encourage your friends to all come dressed as bishops, as a mark of respect and welcome.
  7. Encourage your friends to all come dressed as Harold Bishop, as a mark of… well, I’m not sure what.
  8. Hide. Get everyone else to hide too.
  9. Make your phone go off loudly in the middle of the service. Stand up and announce that it’s the Primus on the line.
  10. Compliment the bishop on his ability to walk forwards in a straight line – tell him you thought he was only capable of walking diagonally.

21 thoughts on “101 Things To Do When The Bishop Visits Church

  1. 11. When the bishop(s) come out with their Croziers (shepherd’s crook thing) we should all start making “Baaa” noises.

    12. … or we could subtly hide toy sheep in various places around the church.

  2. 19. Install a very small diving board on the baptism pool, and use various modes of acrobatic dives to illustrate his sermon points.

    20. Greet the bishop in full Scuba gear, introducing yourself as the safety diver for this evening

  3. 21. As one walks past, with their hands in praying position, “hmmmmm” while bowing. If they walk down the middle this should produce a very nice “mexican wave” effect

    22. Say loadly “awww man, check the nick a that wan, ahhhh”

    NOTE: Chavish clothes are an opptional extra

  4. 23. All trn up 15 minutes early and be SILENT..verrrry verrry silent from the minute you go in and at all times. the Bish won’t notice the difference but it would freak out the vicar which could be fun!

    24. Whenever the Bish enters, every one cock their heads to the side.. squint their eyes and stare at his feet. follow his movements around the room continuing to stare at his feet. It means nothing but see how long it takes for him to become paranoid and have to check he’s got matching shoes on.

  5. 25. Talk to him before the service starts, welcome him and ask him if he would like to join a housegroup/join the church/come back next week. When he looks confused, look confused back.

  6. Oh how I pity the vicar of this church, no wonder he needs to bring in two Bishops at a time…

    Anyway, no 26 Shout “I had that Richard Holloway in the back of my cab once…he talks a lot of sense”

  7. I felt quite sorry for him actually, having to put up with my mindless small-talk.

    In the course of the conversation I let slip that Glasgow was the knife-crime capital of the world. I said “but don’t worry. We’re quite easy-going. Someone might stab you, but they won’t mean you any harm by it.”
    His body language seemed to say “I’m a bishop, get me out of here!”.
    The “wack” thing never came up, sadly.

    Was probably a long day, poor chap. Still, probably better than emptying the pool at 11.30pm. Bet you wish we just used the font, now…

  8. 30. Ask him if those robes slow him down whilst jogging/unicycling/kayaking.

    31. Ask if he’s ever been mistaken for a ghost.

    32. Ask if he’s heard about the bishop, the pimp and …oh no wait…

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