I was back at St Silas this morning for the first time in nearly a month. It was a lovely service and a great chance to catch up with people and get back into the swing of things.
We celebrated (observed?) communion, and because I have a few squint teeth at the back of my mouth, I spent the latter part of the service attempting to pick dry bread from some really hard to reach gaps in my mouth.
I always reckon that besides the folk dishing out the bread and wine, there should be a third person giving out toothpicks. Either that or we should be allowed to swill and spit when it comes to the wine.
But it got me thinking. How could we improve the delivery of the sacraments? Between the readers of this blog, I’m sure there must be plenty ideas. 101, in fact…
- Give out toothpicks to help people who have bread stuck between their teeth.
- Offer a bucket for those who want to swill and spit their wine.
- Have individually wrapped sachets of butter to go with the bread.
- Use Irn Bru instead of wine.
- Encourage people to come in fancy dress. Extra wine for the best costumes.
- Issue a health warning beforehand – “Transubstantiation does not mean the church endorses cannibalism”
- Replace bread with tapas, so people have a wider choice of nibbles.
- If you use wafers, have a competition to see whose can last longest without chewing.
- Distribute the bread pantomime-style, by throwing it at the congregation from the pulpit.
- Have small gas stoves on the communion table for those who prefer mulled wine and croutons.
11. Use Champagne and strawberries
12. Give out antibacterial mouthwash and coldsore cream to compensate for the shared cup
13. Go up take communion then sprint to the back of the queue and say ”please Sir can I ahve some more?” Oliver style when you reach the fromt again.
14. place a joke stain your mouth tablet in with the wine
15 (No 10 continued) Have marshmallows to roast on the burners
16 Use coke and ‘space dust’
17. Do Monty Python-style “silly walks” when going up for your communion.
18. Bring your own loaf and bottle, and confuse the folk dishing out the sacraments when you go forward by saying “it’s OK, I’ve got my own”.
i think you’ll find most anglicans these days subscribe to consubstantiation, not transubstantiation – how did they ever let you in to st silas? didn’t you have to do the “how anglican are you?” classes before you got in?
and the fancy dress is a non starter, i’m afraid. the whole point of being a vicar is to get to wear a fancier outfit than everyone else, isn’t it?
19. Chuck a pentecostal-style shaking fit on the floor in front of the altar as soon as the host is on your tongue.
Consubstantiation, transubstantiation, and electricalsubstation… it’s hard to keep up! Maggs – how did they let me into St Silas? The minister probably asks himself that every day…
20. If you take communion at the rail, try to limbo dance under it.
21. Use grapes instead of wine (yes, it’s been done and no, the traditionalist members didn’t like it – they used green grapes IIRC instead of red)
‘they’ being the minister rather than the traditionalist members
22. Use hops instead of grapes.
all are quite funny, but #18 seriously made me laugh out loud.
23. Moonwalk all the way back to the pew from the altar.